Odd one out again

Today I did something that I haven't done for a couple of years - I attended a social group for autistic adults. I was soon reminded why I have not been to one for such a long time. I felt really out of place and excluded from all the conversations that were going on around me, ironically, in a rather similar way that I am when in a group of non-autistic strangers.

I think there are probably a number of reasons for this. Autistic people often have narrow interests but not necessarily the same ones so it can be difficult when we try to converse with one another. Also, many of the people obviously knew each other from previous meetings and had got more comfortable with the group over time. However, in my previous attempts to take part in such sessions, I attended for a whole year without really bonding with anyone.

I am uncomfortable with stating what I consider to be the biggest problem but I will be honest and put it bluntly - I feel that, in many ways, I am higher-functioning than many of the people who attend. I have more intellectual interests and, while my social skills leave a lot to be desired, I am used to being with people who are more able than me rather than those who are at the same or a lower level.

It seems really horrible to feel that I find these people difficult to be with because they are autistic - after all, don't I expect people to see past this with me? It does help me to understand how I may be perceived by others and to be more tolerant if they find it a bit of a struggle to be in my company. But it also makes me wonder whether it is myself that I have a problem with.

There is another issue here about access to services. At the moment, I have an active social life so I don't particularly think that I need a group like this, but a few years ago, I certainly felt that I did. However, while many people with more obvious needs have services available, there are fewer around for people who can cope with many aspects of life but not others. Part of the problem is that so many people on the autistic spectrum are in denial or have not "come out", so to speak. Often it makes me feel as if I am the only person in this category. On the other hand, it can feel good to be unique.